213. G-d Doesn't Want Perfection

Orly Wahba is an educator, best-selling author, filmmaker, and the founder of Life Vest Inside, the global kindness nonprofit behind the viral film Kindness Boomerang and her TED talk. After overcoming personal tragedy, she has dedicated her life to inspiring others through worldwide talks, workshops, and her prayer-connecting app, Abraham’s Legacy.

Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman is a sought-after marriage coach who helps entrepreneurial women grow successful businesses without compromising—and often deepening—the harmony of their homes as they connect more fully to themselves and to G-d. In this episode, they explore the topic of Perfection & G-d

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started.

And we are live. Welcome everyone to the Connected for Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman. And today with me is Robin, and she's going to introduce yourself, and then we're going herself, and then we're going to get right into our topic, which is criticism. And you, so Robin, introduce yourself.

Okay.

Hi, I'm Robin. I am a mental health therapist and. I mainly work with women. I work with couples as well, mainly with women who are just looking to feel seen and heard and looking for a place to be nurtured where they could nurture themselves and they could benefit in their relationships. I do a lot of relationship work, so whether that means it's somebody who's struggling [00:01:00] currently in their relationships or has a history of complicated relationships or whatever it may be I'm your address.

Yeah, I love it. And when we met, it was so fun to chat about how we work. Similarly and also differently, and you know what we do. So it was really fun. We can get into that a little bit more. Yeah. Why did we pick criticism specifically criticism in you? Let me just give everybody a, a little bit of history before we get into it.

This podcast and everything I do is based on the four pillars. God is at the core, marriage and business have to work together. And then you are the container that holds all of the parts of your life. So my main thing in this, you know, podcast and in the work that I do is all about balance. It's about you being able to do all the things that God put you here to do and not have to feel like you have to choose or you have to push yourself aside for something else.

[00:02:00] And. When we decided to talk about criticism specifically, where it comes to you is because we really both agree that it always comes back to us being the main player in all of the relationships. So let's get into that a little bit.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, and exactly the way you said, like you are a container.

That's exactly why. The way that you think about yourself and the way that you talk to yourself is exactly so important,

right. So let's get into that because people are sitting there going, I have to hear this. This is exactly what I need to listen to. So yeah, what are some practical things? What, what comes up for you when you have to talk about this topic and really yeah, flesh it out.

Okay. So let's start with just checking in with yourself. How do you talk to yourself, right? How many women are just hard from themselves? If you drop something, are you okay with it? Or are you gonna be like, oh, such a clutz like that was so clumsy. You know, just like in these little tiny day-to-day [00:03:00] interactions or things that happen, how do you view yourself?

And then on a much deeper level, like you can continue with that, right? The way you talk to yourself could often be a reflection of your sense of self, of your self-worth, of your self-esteem, of your confidence of all these categories and components that make up who you are. And you could have good self-confidence and still not be so nice to yourself.

Right? And the thing that sometimes people think is, if I talk to myself this way, it's actually kind of motivating. Like I'm pushing myself, you know, like tough love type. But I don't, I don't think that's really the most helpful way of getting across to yourself.

Yeah, I used to feel like if I called myself names, like, you're so lazy.

Come on, get up, whatever. Because maybe that's what I heard, you know, from external sources that it would work, but actually it backfires. It doesn't feel good after the fact. And even though you were able to get yourself out and do the thing, you're dragging, you're not really in good energy.

It doesn't work. So as much as you [00:04:00] wanna believe that it's working, it's not, it's not working.

Yeah. Yeah. I would agree with that. Right. It's, it might seem like it is, and on so many levels, I can think of like other examples too where sometimes we do things and we think that they're working, but if we slow down and really like have this authentic inner reflection, we might know like it's, this is not the best way.

Like it'll work, but there's a better way. So, yeah.

Yeah.

So we can talk

about that. You know,

I am, I, something is coming up for me and I'm like, am I going to really share this on a podcast? But I feel like if it's coming up so loud, then I really should, like, I'm feeling this way a lot recently. I, my parents let me borrow their car and like two weeks in.

I took a turn into a, a driveway and there was one of those like really low barrier type things, like a little [00:05:00] stick sticking out. It was like out of nowhere. It really was not my fault, but I smashed the car like big time. Oh no. I was so hard on myself and I kept thinking like, thank God it's nothing and blah, blah, blah.

Like I was talking myself out of it, but like in my body, I felt so shaken up. I couldn't even go fix it because I felt so guilty and so bad about myself. And then thank God it all worked out and because it was big enough damage it, like, you know, it was covered by insurance. Like the whole thing worked out perfectly.

I was like so impressed at how God orchestrated everything to make it not a big deal. In that moment I thought, ah, I can't believe it. Now, thank God it all worked out. And it's all smooth and it's like they have a new door now. You could never tell. It's fine. But now, when I borrow the car again and I'm driving, I have this like real [00:06:00] shakiness, I'm not as confident as I used to be.

And I'm a little bit , you know, really careful about certain turns and certain cars and certain things and whatever. And I, I'm noticing that it's. It's not to my advantage, there is like a little bit of a balance there. It's like, okay, now it makes you even out, like be really careful.

But , because it wasn't my fault before, like, it's not that I did something that was clumsy or I smashed into it without noticing , really I was parked and then I had to move forward and there was no way for me to see it. It was like low. It wasn't, you know, not there. I keep having to remind myself that because the first one wasn't my fault.

There's nothing I could do to be more careful, you know? Mm. But it's still, you feel it in your body. And I, yeah, I'm bringing this up like total transparency, because I think it's going to help someone, someone listening is gonna [00:07:00] say. That is exactly what I'm feeling or something like that is happening in my life, and so I, I always have these moments where I'm really hesitant to share, but also willing to do it because I know it's.

It's universal, you know, it's like I'm not the only special snowflake that this happens to and, everyone else is perfect. I'm hoping that,

yeah. Yeah. Well that was very brave of you. You know, it is brave to kind of share this like story and it happened, and there's a few things that come up a bunch of things popped into my head as you were saying it.

So first of all, the idea of compassion and accountability. So in this case, like you couldn't see it. And, and like I hear you saying like, it's not my fault, but I, I would wanna say, let's say somebody did it and it was their fault, right? Let's say somebody ran a red and they really shouldn't have, or, you know, whatever it is.

Regardless, that idea of you can take accountability for something that went wrong in your life, right? Let's say I forgot to lower the flame under my soup, it's [00:08:00] totally my fault. I should have remembered , I should have set a timer, I should have been accountable, right? And now my stove pops a mess and whatever.

Okay. True. I can say I should have, I should have done something differently, right? And I can also hold compassion for myself just because I should have done something differently. It doesn't mean that I don't deserve compassion or, you know, oh, I deserve to clean up the stove. Or imagine if insurance wouldn't have covered the car, right?

And , it would've cost a lot of money. Like, well, I, you know, too bad on me, like it was my fault. Again, assuming it was your fault, I'm, I'm tweaking your story a little bit, but Right. Imagine if you would say. Well, you know, I should have checked where I was going and now I have to pay so much money.

Like, yep. That's what happens. You could still be like, Ooh, this is really hard. Like, that's a lot of money. Not like too bad. Right? It's, it's that attitude that you have towards yourself. Accountability and compassion can coexist and I think that's really important. Yeah. And then the other thing you mentioned also was like, right, like feeling it in your body.

And that's another part and we [00:09:00] can, I guess, tie it into the accountability and compassion. Or not, but just that idea of recognizing something's coming up, right? Maybe I'm shaking, I'm scared, I'm feeling a certain way. So instead of reacting to the situation or beating myself up about it or anything like that, can I just hold space?

I guess that is connected to the compassion piece. Can I just hold space for what I just experienced the same way I hopefully would if it was my friend or someone I love? Right. Can we just sit and be with like, whoa, what just happened? And not just blame ourselves and come down hard and think about what should have been and what could have been, even though that might be true, we're not saying that's not true, but how has it helped with the focus on that piece?

You know what I love? I love that you said if it was my friend, because a lot of times. Things we say to ourselves, we would never in a million years say to our friend, never, you know, you don't, you don't do that. You know, oh, he broke up with [00:10:00] you because you're so ugly. Like, it's just because it, it's just a fact, like who says that to their friend, but to yourself, you're like, oh yeah, you know, fine.

Say it all. It's not nice.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's where I think sometimes people might say, well. It's different. It's different for a friend and it I mean I guess it is different technically, but why, , what's blocking you from just being nice to yourself? What's like, that's a good question to ask yourself.

What's blocking me from just being nice to myself? Hmm. And I think that's a really big question actually. 'cause it could bring up a lot.

Yeah. Let's get into that. 'cause that's really deep and, and we like deep, we go deep here. What are some things that you see people are using this critical blamey, icky way of speaking to themselves as a protective mechanism or as a way of,

I don't, I don't know [00:11:00] what's coming up, but like there is something deeper. That we feel like we have to, or that this is what we deserve, or mm-hmm. This is how we do it, you know?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think you kind of hit the nail on the head when you said, this is what we deserve. I think sometimes there's, and again, it's gonna vary from person to person.

Like, I'm gonna put that disclaimer out. Every person is unique and nuanced and all that. But yeah, if somebody maybe has that inner child that heard certain comments coming from their principal, teacher, parents, neighbors, extended family, siblings, anybody in their childhood as our sense of self is developing and forming, and you're getting input from people around you, then yeah, that's kind of just how you think of yourself.

Like, it's just, it's such a natural train of thought. It's such a natural, way of thinking. It just, it's how you think and definitely if you observe that, right? If there was like a parent who kind of modeled that [00:12:00] kind of talk also could contribute. But I think it's two separate things. It's the modeling and it's also the taking in of what did the people around me say about me or think about me.

Like were they complimenting me? Were they praising me? Were they encouraging me? And also of course, whenever you compliment, we wanted to be a gen or anybody, we wanna be a genuine compliment. something that they believe 'cause children are very smart and very perceptive and we know when someone is saying something to be nice or when they're saying something that's genuine.

Right. And, and I think we get all these little cues as we grow up and we take it in. And so unfortunately a lot of adults end up just being hard on themselves. It's what they heard. It's what they know.

Yeah. Yeah. And I, I feel like for a lot of people it's automatic. This is where we get to be intentional and ask, do I like this?

Is it working? Yeah, change it. You know, because we know, as you know, you're a therapist, I'm a coach. We, this is a lot of what we do [00:13:00] is what if we can change it? You know? What if it could be different? What if it sounds, in. Has a different twist that makes you feel better, makes you more motivated, lets you enjoy life without having to feel like you're, you know, messing it up all the time.

Yeah. What would that look like? And we get to really do that.

Yeah. So I think first we wanna ask why is this voice here? Get to know its origins a little bit. Try to understand why it's here. And you also wanna ask yourself, how is it helping me? So even once I understand why it's here, right? Why am I hanging onto it?

Is this actually helpful to me? And that's where like wow, all of a sudden this giant space opens up where you get to choose and you get to live with intention and think with intention. And that's so empowering. Like I love that that space where you get to make the choice of, wait, so what do I want for myself now?

What do I want it to sound like? [00:14:00]

Let's get into some details like stories or examples of how, how the listeners could really implement this into their own lives.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. I am thinking one example would be, I mean, there's self and then there's the way it impacts other people. too, what do you think we should start with?

Go for it. Okay. Trust your intuition.

Okay. It's such a powerful concept that I think it really impacts so many areas of our lives. I'm like, I just wanna talk about so many of them.

Let's start with the cell, right? Because we are a container for our lives, and so the way we think about ourself is going to completely impact the the output that we have in the world. What you think you're capable of is what you're capable of, the things that you tell yourself, your belief. They are either limiting or [00:15:00] empowering or whatever they are.

What you're thinking is what you are. It's the way you're acting. And so just taking that in for a second. Wow. The way I think, if I think I'm capable, then I'm gonna try and guess what? If I fail, if I built up that self-love and I don't have that critical voice in me, then I'm even okay with failing. If I fail, it's a learning experience.

It's like going on a date and it doesn't work out. Is that like an epic fail? No, it was a, hopefully it was just a learning experience and even if it was a negative experience, and I don't wish a negative experience on anybody, but like if it was, so then, so what did you take out of it? Now you know for sure you're not looking for X, Y, Z.

Now you know for sure you're not gonna say, you know, yes, when you're also having a busy day because that just doesn't bode well, whatever you wanna take out of it. But recognizing our, our failures, if you even wanna call it that, they're learning experiences. So again, the compassion part, I guess we'll go back to that .

It's, you could go through something and it's okay if it doesn't work out. It doesn't mean [00:16:00] you are bad or you are a failure. And then on the flip side of that, the more positively you think of yourself and your capabilities and your capacity to do or give or be, the more positivity you're putting out there.

And it's not toxic positivity or false positivity. Hopefully it stems from like a genuine belief in what you have to offer and your capacity for success or giving, or any of the positive things.

So what do you think about Fake it till you make it, because a lot of times that's a really helpful thing and sometimes it doesn't work.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I think that's well said. So like, even as a therapist, I can't, I can't say that there's a lot of hard and fast rules. Like it's always gonna be one way or the other. Like sometimes fake it till you make it is a form of denial or avoidance or toxic positivity. And sometimes it's actually not healthy.

And sometimes you have to [00:17:00] know if your boundaries are being crossed if you keep saying that you don't wanna do something and then you do it . But you really, really didn't wanna do it. And maybe it's actually really not good for you. That's not a good place to fake it till you make it. And there are places where you can push through something and you can encourage yourself and you might see some success.

And there's an example, let's say, of when we treat depression and somebody is really struggling with basic hygiene, right? And it's really, really hard. To take a shower and we say, okay, but if you can, you force yourself to do something really uncomfortable and build on that, right? If you get out of bed and you take the shower and then you'll feel a little bit better, and what could that lead to?

So that would be a fantastic example of fake it till you make it, you know, maybe a little more on the extreme side. Then you'll find typical everyday life, but it's out there and it's in real and it's true. Right? If your kitchen is flying and you're [00:18:00] like, I do not have energy, I can't, I can't clean this hurricane, like, no.

Okay, can you wash one dish? Okay, start with one dish. Okay? And then you're standing there and it's not so bad, so you can do the next dish. Okay? And before you know it, one sink is clean and you're like, wow, okay, this already looks better. So maybe I can clear the counter next to it. Okay. Wow. Already incrementally better.

So not necessarily to get overwhelmed by an entire situation, but that would be again, a great example of fake it till you make it. Just put yourself a little bit. There are times when you put yourself out of your comfort zone and the payoff is tremendous.

Yeah, and I think that, I think when, while as you're talking, it makes sense that the faking is the temporary thing that leads to the thing you want.

Mm-hmm. That's the positive and then the faking temporary to pretend that that's what you want, but you don't really want it. That's the negative. So.

Exactly. It's, [00:19:00]

we're judging it based on the actual will, like the want that you have inside. More than the actual temporary, like in your face right now?

Immediate thing we're talking about. So, you know, shower, so you could feel better. I don't feel like showering. Like I, you know, I'm too tired to go to sleep type of thing. Just go to sleep. You'll feel so much better. You know? And if you keep yourself up and you just keep like, staying and scrolling and that, you know, you're gonna pay a price.

Mm-hmm. So there's, there's something about forward thinking as you were talking, I was thinking back to something that really helped me as I was trying to get back into life after the terror attack that killed my sister-in-law. I went to a class, like it was a business class and you know, she was, she, she called me and like said, you have to get on Zoom.

We're getting on a business call now. And it's like this networking call and she teaches something and then everybody shares whatever. It was really cute and I really wasn't in the mood and I went to it anyway, and the thing she shared was so [00:20:00] powerful that I am. Obsessed with it now because it's so clear.

She had this like, you know, rainbow thing or you know, sort of like a half circle. And in the middle it was when you feel really great and that's where we all wanna be. I'm feeling great, I'm doing the things I want, everything's in alignment, nothing to worry about. And then, mm-hmm the right side she had depression and on the left side there was anxiety.

So either you're feeling blah and your body's sort of like numb or you're feeling hyper, everything is going on and you know, there's too much, too much going on. And so there's like the two parts, like the extremes, right, of like depressive and anxious. And then on the, on the anxious side, it said less is more.

Hmm.

Find ways to do less and you will gain so much more from just like freeing [00:21:00] yourself of things that you don't necessarily have to do. Yeah. And on the depressive side it said more is more, and it was so powerful just to realize like, oh, when you're depressed and you don't feel like doing anything, and there's just like, even just getting off out of bed and walking to the bathroom and brushing your teeth and going and walking to the kitchen and then starting to do something and like walking around and going to shop and getting outta the house and whatever it is, every little thing counts because it starts to turn on the wheels of the engine.

You're starting to move forward. It was so helpful because it gave me a really great gauge on first checking in, where am I? Because you could go, you know. After a trauma like that, you're going like, like from one side to the other, to the other, to this. You know? The rollercoaster is so real and the extreme emotions are so real.

[00:22:00] And from one minute to the next you are somewhere else. Like you are not stable. And that was the hardest part for me because I'm such a stable person and I work so hard really bringing this, stability into the home and, and the balancing and whatever. Oh, it was such a hard period of time and having this awareness mm-hmm.

To suddenly be like, okay, I, I know what to do, I just need to first mm-hmm. Figure out where I am and then I'll know exactly what to do. And so anytime. Mm-hmm. I was feeling panicky. I just stopped, was , okay, which side am I on? What do I need to do? Do less or do more, you know? Mm-hmm. And so like sometimes I would just like stop everything and go take a shower or stop everything and go take a nap.

And then sometimes I would force myself to actually go and shop and cook and do things I didn't feel like doing. And she's like one foot in front of the other. And it was the best advice I ever got from all the things that people have tried to [00:23:00] tell me and you know, help me out or whatever. That was the best.

Mm. So first of all, I just love that you're normalizing that even a person like you, you worked on yourself, you like to be regulated and calm, right? And when a tragedy happens, a trauma, it's so normal to be knocked off your feet. Even the most calm, self occurred regulated person, if something traumatic happens, like I just wanna.

Validate that you're normal and appreciate that you're normalizing. Like, yeah, your life is going to be rough. Like I don't expect anybody to go through a trauma being like all Zen and like just calm, because I have all the skills. Like, no, , okay, if you're going through a rough patch in your life, like can you just give yourself space for that?

Right. I guess the self-critical part, if it's piping up like, oh, like why is this so hard for you? There's no place for that there. Let's normalize. Tough as [00:24:00] tough. Trauma as trauma. Sometimes in life a wave comes up and knocks you over and it will take a little bit of time to find your balance.

Okay, so totally normalizing that. And then the second thing that, that you brought up was finding that point, that inner reference, that sense of self that helps you find your balance again, really connecting to yourself, how am I feeling right now? What do I need? And you can only do that if you really are able to be authentic and vulnerable with yourself.

And that's where feelings come into play a lot. Really knowing how I'm feeling and allowing myself to connect to them and not being afraid of them, which I think if someone is very self-critical, that's actually hard to do because you don't really allow space for the challenging feelings, so to say.

You're okay maybe with being happy, calm, you know, all the more like easy, positive ones, so to say, but not so much if something's challenging or difficult, like mm-hmm. Don't go there. You should be able to handle it. Right. [00:25:00] So just knowing that you're allowed to connect with your feelings and your feelings are going to point you in the direction of what you need.

Do you need more of something? Do you need less of something? So knowing your feelings, trusting them, making space for them, that's all part of being able to get through something more successfully.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank God. Thank you for, you know, reflecting that back, think it was really fascinating to see how God was, was preparing all of us and while we were talking just amongst ourselves.

My brother was saying the same thing. , I, I said it, , a couple of months before I started going to breath work and I was healing all this stuff and it was so interesting, you know, first time in my life that I felt a little bit depressive, like depression, like postpartum stuff.

And I was like, I never have this, I don't know what this is coming from, but I'm gonna treat it right away. Like, I went right away and did everything I, you know, like. Being able to already have all the skills before [00:26:00] this happened. And then my brother was saying the same thing, a couple of weeks before it happened, he was, he started listening to all this faith in hashem and, stories of people who had a ton of trust.

And, and then he says, it was just like in my ears all the time, and I would come home and tell my wife and tell her the whole story and she'd get all excited about it. And so they were practicing Emuna before they needed it, it was so fresh in his mind that it was the first thing that came out of him, because that was just.

Prepared. So many family members were saying the same thing of kind. We all feel like God prepared us for it in the craziest way possible. 'cause how could you even say that? But it, it makes sense to us because we're in it, so we're able to say it.

I don't know if I would say it to someone else. Mm-hmm. Who isn't, you know, me. But yeah, there was, there's definitely those moments of the criticism, especially the self-criticism of like, I'm not, yeah, there was a [00:27:00] big, loud one. Again, I'm feeling very vulnerable today, so I'm just like opening it all up.

But , there's a very loud, critical voice that said, you didn't even sit Shiva. You don't get to be so messed up. Who are you to be feeling all these feelings in such an intense way and because I have done so much work and I've helped so many people through so many things, I was able to answer that, you know, pretty quickly and say like, I don't care.

Like I don't care what you guys think. This is how I'm feeling. It just is. Mm-hmm. I'm not judging it. It's, mm-hmm. It's here. Welcome. This is my life now, you know? And we're, we're working through all these things that I've never experienced before. But with, with this, and I think this is where the strength come from, comes from is with the understanding that these are skills I am working through for some future strength I [00:28:00] will need.

So mm-hmm. Being able to focus on how this is good for me is very helpful in that moment where it is like you want to be. You wanna be critical and you wanna fall into this, oh, victim thing, whatever. Like, oh, and then you're like, no, no, no, no, it's fine. We're working through this for a bigger thing.

Like there is something bigger going on. Even if it's just working on myself and and strengthening my own muscles, that's worth, worth it just right there. But like mm-hmm. Because I help so many people. I've seen already so many little examples of how things I've had to go through were then things that I was able to share and help other people with.

It's, that's the thing that keeps me aligned, I guess would be the word. Yeah.

Yeah. It's interesting when people have their own learning curves and use that to help others in similar situations, like that's. That's making meaning out of [00:29:00] something, you know? And, and also I wanna say to anyone who's listening, who maybe feels like they haven't gone through an enormous trauma, right?

But there's two things that come up. So first of all, you know, I want us to be able to apply also to day-to-day life. And I also wanna go a little bit further into what you said, that if you are feeling what, right? Like, who am I? Like I, I didn't even sit Shiva, so why am I being so impacted? Again, that's like a, a bit of self.

Critical voice coming in there, right? Where if anybody who's going through something is impacted by community news or whatever, world news, community news, you know, micro level, macro level, whatever it is, you are an individual with emotions, could you give yourself permission to just feel what you're feeling where, again, asking yourself like, why, why can't I, where is this comparison coming?

Why do I have to compare if I'm allowed to feel it? But they're more impacted, or you're. Just clear some space for yourself. You've been impacted. Okay. Could you sit with your feelings? Could you just stay with [00:30:00] that? Give yourself permission to just stay, stay with that. It's important 'cause you obviously were impacted.

Again, connecting it to like what you're feeling in your body. Like if you're feeling anxious or sad or heavy or you know, you're like, you're feeling in your stomach or your neck or shoulders, whatever, it's in you. It that needs, it needs to be expressed. It needs to be acknowledged. It needs to be noticed.

What's getting in the way of you allowing that to yourself? Is it a sense of self-worth? I don't deserve it. What is it? This is a really important question.

I love that you said that also, because in other situations where I didn't even know the people or I just hear news, I'm also very

sensitive. And so, because I know about myself that I'm so hypersensitive, I try to keep away from the news as much as I can. And also when things happen and they shake up the world, I feel them. Right? So a lot of people have told me that just like I experienced whatever I've experienced, the [00:31:00] my sister-in-law's murder was, was worldwide.

, It, it spread like. P, the biggest light I am. I said to my brother, there was no other way to spread her light than this because it just went viral. And so people from everywhere are telling me that they felt it too. And I wanna validate them because I feel like, you know, I wasn't validating myself for a little while.

For that little first time. Yeah. Like. It doesn't matter that you didn't know her, and it doesn't matter that you weren't close with her or that you didn't know she existed before. Like there was a real world shakeup thing that happened that is unexplainable, that touched so many people, and I'm validating with no judgment the

impact that it had. And I think that impact is, is part of, a [00:32:00] bigger picture of redemption, of gula. Something that, you know, hopefully is bringing us closer to, to the good stuff. But I love that you validated that and then also gave permission to feel whatever you're feeling about whoever you're feeling and there is no comparison, like you said.

Everybody's 10 feels like a 10. So if you feel something that's tiny but you feel it to a 10, I don't care if the other person has something bigger. You know, because you're feeling it, you're feeling it really hard, on a high. Exactly. Let's go back to the daily stuff, 'cause I, I know you, you mentioned you wanna go back to that and I think it's a good idea.

Hey, before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly, feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to [00:33:00] sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one-on-one private coaching is for, and I want to invite you, just you and me.

For a free deep dive discovery call, this is a 60 minute free call where I ask you lots of questions and we extract the three main things that are holding you back. I then put together a personalized plan for you where I create a roadmap of recommendations. With practical steps, the call is free and so valuable in itself.

So go book yours today. Now back to the show.

Yeah. Because really, yeah. You know, it's the daily things that we have to really focus on.

Exactly. So the daily things that come up all the time are, you know, if you're a woman running a business, running her home taking care of friends, a spouse, family, [00:34:00] whatever age and stage you're in, right? But you're taking care of people around you and you're giving so much and you're on top, you're, you're really on top of so much.

And with that could come a lot of responsibility and therefore, a lot of expectations and therefore, a lot of. criticism , you're kind of evaluating yourself all the time, right? So if you're a mom, you might go to bed at night and think, oh, I should have done more. I could put more time with this child.

I should have helped that person, that one, you know, more patiently when I was doing homework with them. I should have made them a better supper. I should have, oh my gosh, right? You can go on and on about all the things you should have done as a parent or as a homemaker. Even if you're someone single living on your own, you might think, oh, I should have swept the kitchen.

I was to just totally lazy. I just went to sleep when, you know, there's crumbs all over the floor, I'm such a mess, or I'm whatever. You know, whatever Again, you wish you could have done for your spouse or in your business and you're just calling your, you're holding yourself.

I love it. You said, I'm such a mess.

I think that is one of the loudest [00:35:00] self-criticism statements that I hear all the time.

Yeah.

Your mess, I can't get it together. There's something wrong with me.

Yeah.

Wow.

And, and people hold themselves to very high standards. Something I've heard many times from people is, you know, oh, I need my kitchen spotless before I go to sleep.

Like, I cannot leave a dish in the sink. And. I probably used to be like that also. And then at one point I remember being like, you know, I'm actually okay with leaving a pot in the sink. Like, I'm, I'm okay with that. It's okay. Like, I'm still wonderful. My house is still really clean. Like, I'm allowed to leave a pot in the sink and that's okay.

I'm okay. And it was like, it's, it's a very freeing thing to be able to do for yourself to realize like, wait, where is this expectation coming from? I feel such a pressure to be a certain way, and there's nothing wrong with having standards. Like if you appreciate, you know, crisply, ironed shirts, I'm not telling you like, oh, just stop ironing.

Who cares? [00:36:00] But if it's like a pressure and a burden and it's taking over your mind and it's ruining your day because you didn't get to it, and now you feel bad about yourself, then yeah, then maybe that's where you wanna cut yourself a little bit of slack. Or you even wanna ask yourself, why is this even so important to me?

And. Maybe it was important to my grandmother, but maybe I actually don't care so much, and maybe I am allowed to let go of that. Right? There's certain things we get as like legacies or expectations, whether it's from, again, family or society or whatever. You get to evaluate if that's your value, and that's something you wanna carry the burden of in your mind.

You're carrying it,

right? Oh, I love that you said this, and I'm really going to give a little pushback. Because this, the listeners are gonna love me for this, but like I'm listening to you going, I could leave a pot in the sink. And I'm like, I leave dishes for days. You know? Or like, I will leave the pot and mean to do it eventually, and then not do it until like it's too late.

You know, whatever. [00:37:00] Like there are things that. Listening to pe. Regular people like normal, typical people who are like, oh, it's okay if I leave one sink in the dish, one dish in the sink, and you're like, one dish. In the sink overnight. It's like, hmm. You know, and then they start judging themselves because here we are again doing this comparison thing.

You know, she is so perfect that she thinks being, you know, cutting myself slack is leaving one dish in the sink over one night and I am sitting here, you know, struggling with doing dishes in general, or I do my dishes from Shabbos on Tuesday or whatever. Like the people are thinking, 'cause these are very, yeah.

Very common things I hear from a lot of people, like if you think you're the only one stop, you're not the only one. There are things that are just harder for some people or that don't come yes, or don't come naturally, but then don't compare because there are things that come naturally to you that you know [00:38:00] other people don't.

Right. What you said before was your 10 and someone else's 10 are both tends to, even if they're different. So my example that I gave might be perfect for the overachiever perfectionist person who's really working on themselves not to be such an overachiever perfectionist. Right. And someone else who feels completely like in a different category and they're like, I wish that was like, that's the least of my mess.

Right. Okay. So then, then your example will be different, but then the four point is the same, which is. You could be okay. You could be a great business owner, a great mom, a great wife, a great everything about you, great individual, and have a sink full of dishes . And if that's something that really bothers you, we could work about that.

Work on that. I'm not either telling you like, oh, you have to have dishes in the sink and still let yourself, like, yeah, I am saying that actually you should still love yourself even if the dishes in the sink. But what I'm saying is you don't have to accept that. If it's bothering you, you can say, I love myself.

And I don't like [00:39:00] that there are dishes in the sink, but independent of me loving myself. Okay, I could be a great person. Now this is a problem for me 'cause it bothers me. Okay. So now we can, now we can talk about the problem. It's okay to address a problem, just not as a self-reflection of your value or your worth.

But yeah, we can talk about, you know, the issues.

Yes. I love that you said that. Separate yourself from the problem. Because when you look at the problem as if I just got all the dishes in the sink, then I would finally love myself. Then guess what? Even if you put all the dishes in the sink, you will find ways to not love yourself.

'cause your brain is trained to look for things that are wrong with you. And this is one of the things that if you don't train yourself to think differently, it's just not gonna change. Nothing's gonna change. It's like those people who move houses because they think the next house is going to be more organized.

If you're not an organized person and you don't put things away [00:40:00] and you leave, you know, slop, whatever, then the next house is gonna look just the same. Maybe it will be a bigger house, so it'll have a bigger mess. Maybe, you'll think maybe moving away from that house is going to solve a problem and it's not going to.

So the external thing is never the solution for the self-love.

And that's something that's important. 'cause also people might push back on the accountability piece, right? But if I don't hold myself, if I don't say like, you better do it, or you're a slob, then it won't get done. And that's where I wanna say, no, no it, this is important to remember.

It could get done, it could get done, but it doesn't have to get done from a place of you being harsh on yourself. But things could still get done. So that might be also like new information for some people. You could get things done in your life, you could be productive. You could hold yourself accountable for things in a kind way, in a motivating way, in a way that's interesting and exciting to you.

I love that. I love that [00:41:00] because really this is the reason why I hire coaches and I go to therapy and I get help because I believe that everything has a solution. And a lot of people are walking around the world thinking that I'm stuck with this forever. This is who I am. Mm-hmm. This is my, mm-hmm.

This is my problem in life. This is just how it's gonna always be, and I'm going to inherit it to my children and they're going to have this same exact issue. No, stop it. It could stop right here by you deciding to become intentional. And it doesn't mean you have to do it yourself. It doesn't mean that you have to figure it out.

Just get someone who is an expert at this thing or somebody who can take you by the hand and show you what to do, but is so doable.

Yeah, you don't have to get stuck in anything. There's, I agree, there's a solution. Just find the right person to help you with the solution. And part of the solution is not being self-critical [00:42:00] ever.

Yes. Yes. I love that. We brought it full circle. Criticizing yourself and putting yourself down and talking mean to yourself is never the answer. And instead, go follow some people. See who works with your personality. Find somebody who is really going to give you a good feeling about getting it, getting it together, you know, like, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

And, and I wanna say a lot of it, no. Maybe all of it starts from within you. Like yes, you can get somebody to hold your hand, give you that encouragement. Work with your maybe distorted cognitive beliefs and inner thoughts and that inner child work that might be driving the criticism. I definitely think that's important and ultimately,

you hold the key to so much so they kind of work hand in hand because I do think that there is a lot of value to the exploration behind the behavior. I [00:43:00] definitely, as a therapist, fully believe that, but I also believe that you hold the key to so much. Like you actually hold the key to more than you even think you do.

And so when you start looking out for things that you could be grateful for, things that are positive. Again, touching back to what we said about like fake it till you make it a little bit and also differently in a way where having gratitude for things just gives you a sense of appreciation from a beautiful place and makes you realize how much you have to offer and how much you have.

And so that's a way of being able to get motivated from, you know, joy. Rather than that harsher place. So realizing that you have so much potential and power within you. And I think that's, again, I love the word empower. It's empowering. It gives you, it gives you strength. You really have it within you.

And there's nothing wrong with getting the appropriate help to help yourself find it, but it's there.

Yeah. You know, Rav Kook it [00:44:00] has that thing that saying you have these wings of like. Wind that are pushing you forward. And they are as big as you're willing to use. Like as, as they will only work if you're willing to use them.

Yeah. If

you believe that you have them, then you're gonna fly. And if you don't believe it, you're gonna walk the whole way and it's just, it's your fault 'cause you're not using them, but like just the awareness that. Everything has a solution. The solution is within you. You can get help, you can get guidance, you can work through it, but it's really, like you said, the key is believing that it's possible.

Yeah. Yeah. That's so true. And I know this episode is not gonna drop until after Elul, but I'm just thinking, you know, it's a similar concept to like Tshuva from Yra or Tshuva from Ahava. Right. You can come at it from [00:45:00] different ways.

Say that in English so that people who aren't Hebrew. Yeah,

so, so like as you're looking to like repent and come closer to God.

Right. You might come from a place of fear and like, oh my God, I better repent because otherwise, like, who knows what's gonna happen to me. Right. Or you're repenting from a place of love because you want that connection and you just want to be in God's presence and you just wanna feel closeness in the relationship and.

You're coming from different places and you might get to a similar space, but the motivating factor will be so different. So the criticism is almost like the fear part. Like yeah, it will get you there. Maybe it even has the time and place we, you know, we can think about where that might be. But really it's so much more beautiful to be able to get to that space from a place of love and wanting connection.

And in this case it'd be like connection with yourself, right? I, I wanna connect to myself and I wanna be kind to myself. So let me come to it from a place of love rather than that fear place and pushing myself and like [00:46:00] threatening myself almost.

I love it. I love it. And I love that you spoke about gratitude.

It is so powerful. Just recently, I, I went to visit some hilltops and support them and show them, you know, how, how appreciative we are. For them being there because they really hold the hold down the fort. Literally. I know I don't use literally very often 'cause my husband's very picky about using it

right. But they are holding down and I know I actually used it wrong this time, but like who cares? They are out there like shepherds in the outskirts of all, you know, in the areas between all the towns. They are what keeps everyone safe really. And they're young and they don't have much, and they barely have water and electricity like they really are living on [00:47:00] random hilltops with sheep doing the job that we should all be doing.

Like if I could, I would really, I am so inspired by them. And I came home after meeting them, after seeing how they live and where they are and like, we went to a couple, right? It was like a whole day trip. It was really mind blowing. I came home and I took a warm shower and I, I can't explain to you how grateful I was for every little thing.

The fact that I have a shower, the fact that it's warm, the fact that it's not burning hot, because if they do have water, it's from external pipe. Everything is burning in the sun Right. And freezing in the night. Like they don't, you don't get to choose. I'm like, wow, this is amazing. You know? So like sometimes, first of all, I am extremely grateful to them, and also I'm extremely grateful to have what I have.

[00:48:00] Mm-hmm.

It's, it's such an amazing skill. You know, it's almost like physical therapy for your brain to look for what is good to look is working. Yeah. Especially you're not working.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's an actual mental exercise. It's so true. Really just looking for. Again, it's not false positivity. Toxic positivity.

It's not, but it's, it's genuinely what do you have about yourself that you appreciate? There's gotta be some good qualities there. And if you can't think of any, take the space in your day. A practical takeaway exercise would be, could you spend a few minutes by yourself just reflecting? Whether you feel like journaling or not, could you just enjoy your own company?

Could you see the value? Just starting to build the value in yourself, getting comfortable with spending time by yourself for a few minutes, even if it's 30 seconds [00:49:00] only, not even a few minutes, just like you can be holding your cup of coffee and feeling the warmth of it and just appreciating the that moment of you being in the moment building the ability to tolerate presence in yourself.

If you're able to do that, you're able to hopefully find the positive qualities in yourself and things you like about yourself, and from there you can build the gratitude, in case anyone is feeling like, I don't know, things are flying, I don't know, I'm not good at anything. I can't build the gratitude.

Okay? We don't even have to hop to gratitude right away. Let's start like baseline. Just spend some time, spend a tiny bit of time with your. What do you enjoy? What do you like? Get to know yourself. Make space for yourself and, and build from there into things you actually like about yourself. And that, that opens up a whole new doorway, a whole new room to explore, which could lead to so much more.

I love it. Today, I, I went to like a, an exercise, like it wasn't a whatever. It was like a mindful type of experience. It was really cool. [00:50:00] She did a bunch of different, different exercises. Like there was a guided meditation and then there was movement and there was, you know, these other things. Like it was really fun.

There was different games and different things we got to do with pairs. I love these types of experiences.

Sounds very connecting.

Oh yeah, totally. And I signed up like as soon as I saw it, I know the teacher, I'm like, yes, sign me up. I. When there's people who really know how to do it right, you, you just wanna do it with them.

So just like people are sign up with me for, for the obvious same reason. I, I loved it. One of the things that. I was, you know, sort of like telling them what I was going through in the guided meditation. 'cause everybody said what came up for them. And when I spoke I was telling her about I feel it in my throat, I feel it in my stomach, I feel it here, I feel it there and whatever.

And it's like, okay, just feel your body right now. What feels really good? I'm like, what? Mm-hmm. What feels good? I'm just, I'm [00:51:00] sitting here telling you about all the things that feel bad. I feel like, you know, yeah. Pig zgs coming up my throat and I feel this, and I feel that. And there's peanut butter. You know, like all these things that I, you know, I come up with the greatest imaginary things and there's like, what feels really good?

I. It really caught me by surprise and after I really felt my body for a second, the bottoms of my feet were like so calm and so smooth, had no ting, like nothing. It was just perfect. I was like, wow, I even thought about that. But as soon as I felt something that was working like that was, you know, good,

everything

else sort of just like.

Calm down because the thing I was focusing on changed, and I think it reminds me of, of what you're saying now, really exactly same concept of take a deep breath. It's okay. All the things you're critical of. They come hand in hand with the [00:52:00] fact that you're here or you're alive. There's something that's working,

and if you can focus just for a second on that, it will create that bigger picture.

Yeah.

And you're not only focusing on like one little tiny thing over here.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, so good. Okay, Robin, tell everyone where they can find you, how they can work with you. You're just so fun. Sure.

So thank you. So I. On Instagram, so I have a handle at Robin Guttman.

Lpc I always think about changing it, so if you can't find me there, find me on my website, robin guttman.com. And I'm actually working on putting up an exciting quiz on there. Like something like, do you need therapy? So if you're like hesitant about, you know, do I need to do some more like professional kind of work that would be a fun place to head over and, you know, see if you can take the quiz and see what you find out about yourself.

And yeah, that's, those are the two main places to find me and maybe we could put in [00:53:00] the show notes, you know, a link or something. So that'll be even easier. All you gotta do is click

yes. All the show notes always have the links to everything. And anybody who is, you know, wondering, don't worry.

We've got you. Thank you so much. It was a pleasure and thank you listeners for being with us and letting me so be so vulnerable. I, I feel really grateful for that. And I wanna just say I'm super grateful to Robin for being so flexible. I think we rescheduled like four times.

Yeah. This is our fourth, but we made it really Thank you for having me.

It was worth the wait.

Yeah. You know what? It was so kind of you. To give me the benefit of the doubt and just, ride the waves with me. Obviously it was not an easy couple of months. Sure. But it was, it was really very, very kind. And I wanna appreciate, I wanna show my appreciation. So thank you.

I'm very grateful.

Yeah, thanks. Thanks for having me. [00:54:00]

You're welcome. Thank you for listening. Don't forget to be connected for real. I'll see you next time.

And that's it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn't it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode.

Can you share it with them? I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.